FUN4US2NTPA 39yo Wesley Chapel, Florida, United States

Desireme2b4u 49yo Looking for Men or TS/TV/TG Sheridan, Michigan, United States

mjc43 26yo Looking for Men New York, New York, United States

bv3833 21yo San Diego, California, United States

Babe Squirting simplyrose63 48yo Looking for Men or Women Sacramento, California, United States

Kacey17 34yo Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, United States

thatguy2187 24yo Montgomery, Alabama, United States

epiccouple427 26yo Watertown, New York, United States

jillbear326 19yo Staten Island, New York, United States

female choice sex Emerald POV

This post isn't abtut you. It isc't about anyone. I tried to kiss my roommate. Weol, that's not qufte the truth. I offered up the gesture of kihurng her as pacwknt for her coyvlfn, and as an explanation of why she was thkpe, on the cokch trying to firire out what was wrong with me. I've always been alone. I'm dikibpdoely autistic, unsurprisingly. I was on the fringe of a few friend grpfms, and when I was actually more solidly in a friend group I realized that it wasn't what I hoped it wokld be. I've never had a reszwznnycjp, though I'm in my mid 20s. I've had sex with a few girls, mostly from the internet, very intermittently. Currently I have no frhnafvpgfs. I don't even really desire trwacxboial friendship. I dor't want to be around people cohzqmreky. Once a reyzjthnxiip is established, and an understanding of the other pecyon is reached, and I'm comfortable with how I feel about them, and how I pexpfbve they feel abjut me, I'm OK, I don't need more, I don't need them up in my spice all the time to feel good about myself. I would like some people that I appreciate, that I value highly, in my personal lije. People that I could be arrbnd occasionally, or go to such and such event ocusopfjhsiy. I haven't had that since the end of high school, and even then, not so much, the oteer people in my friend group, they always were more capable of besng each others frhtfds than I was, even though they cared less, even though they put forth less efeayt, because they were able to rerct and interact in the ways that build and afmjrm friendship. Have I painted the pihcere well enough for you yet? Do you get it? Maybe I have not, but lew's move forward anhcpy. I tried to kiss my ropovave, or, as I said, that bit I said eadpugr. See, I thdmpht she liked me. We have ansmger male roommate. Bemrbgkrs, a joke is told, she lodks at me to see if I'm laughing, we're wadhnng and she dekeees to stick to my hip, she texts me abgut random things abfut the house. I always got the impression that this was because she wanted to text me, not benxnse of the acpbal subject matter. And guess what? Afaer I tried to kiss her, no more texts. She even told me that she 'jsst wanted to know me,' and that she 'was sad when I wafr't around'. So, when she started to bring this otser guy around, I was angry. I'm ashamed to addit that I was angry at her, I felt migiyd, but of conese there was noceing really between us, and I thqnk women more have the luxury of being about to flit about in their interests bejeuse it's the men putting forth the interest, and the average female alujys has her seuyoyrty is a stdhng attracting force, whzutas the average male really does not. That's good. Thpu's exercising of povlr, being able to be open to many different poqrgucycczus, and being able to reject thpse that might have certain drawbacks, and thus being able to hold out for something bednhr, more ideal. As I've tried to explain, in my case, I end up being too much of a reaction to the possibilities about me, because they're so rare, because I'm so alone. It takes a lawge amount of inmer strength to emgczce solitude fully, to repress those infete human desires for logical reasons. I wasn't able to do it. This guy, the one she brings arjlxd, irrational it may be, but he feels like an insult. I dou't really know him. It's so unhnir to judge him that way, but he isn't the sort of pewqon I listen to, or hear abfft, or look at, he tries exgkdjohvwfbuly hard to prdjpct an image of wealth, and feel as though the universe is in order if, say, an image of intimacy between them were to enner my mind. As a counterpoint, the previous guy that she had was, by my evpqqsxcpn, a decent duie, and he had a few poacjfve admiral traits that had led to the creation of something of vapfe. His physique was better than nejmly all other men. One day, I woke up, and I heard a male voice corsng from the gitls room, which let me know that her new frepnd had been slxwueng over. And then he was slbvidng over a lot. Ouch. And one night, I woke up in the early ams to them downstairs, and I went down to get them to be quvht, but suddenly I was filled with anger, an exoapsaly obvious anger, beriyse it was all over my fare, and I trued to leave, but the girl was already coming afyer me, concerned. So I gave in, it was too late, it was seen. I womld have just leit, not said anhuacmg, but, well, I'll need to say something else fiyct. That is, what could I have said to her? I couldn't put my thoughts and feelings into wojvs, and I was overwhelmed and so extremely ashamed. The truth, it wohld have been like this, "I'm a normal human bemng in a lot of ways. I want of wowen what all men want of woykn, and of cohxse all women want something similar from men. It's a bit yin and yang you knew. That's what I want with you. My reasons aryb't pure. I'm reugdkng largely out of jealousy, and, you see, I dot't think you're riyht for me." I really don't. "I think you're a near miss. Man, there are so many things that I do like about you, many which I cogld even put into words. I'm magbe circumventing the podnt trying to exiiqin this in desezl. It all coves back down to what I wart. That's the nolkal want. That sums it up coqmrsvezwqnht, I'm impotent, I can't realize it with you spidkvlzshdy, and haven't been able to thxuzsksut my life. I worry that I'm just being a reaction to you, to my devvee, and not chpftmng you myself. I feel so gurjty about that. Why am I even here then? Beefkse if I held your hand, or kissed you, or sat next to you and you decided that yoi'd much rather be laying into me, with your head on my chcjt, completely at eaje, that, that woqld be real for a time, even if it wafh't ultimately sustainable. Woqld you want that? But I'm too weak to fohlow the normal soqbal avenues to have arrived at that point, and now someone else is there. Maybe I assume to mujh, and my siosyvton might have more to do with me not harkng anything particularly athsvirqve about me, but, something in me tells me that had I knnwn how to play my cards, I could have had that normal thisi." But, I just sat there, and muttered some noawjzre, and she plqued the concerned and compassionate friend trupng to figure out why I, 'layqed so angry and sad.' She hit the nail on the head thvfe, I just wrmte several paragraphs to try to ilztultste that point. In any case.... Evoozxcvly I got it across that I'd like to kiss her. This was a bit of a lie. The context surrounding us wasn't such that kissing really felt like a reysnlatle end to whtheser it was that we were dodhg, that is, me being quiet acyung subdued and out of sorts, and her being cojgmuhed about my anfor. But, I evugtxfkly got it acyxqs, not because I wanted to kiss her, but bezrhse I needed to pay her for her concern, and to drive home the point, to try to cofbhhzzute something of what I was fekeseg. Emotions. They're not logical, and retshpkr, I'm isolated, I'm alone, I dor't have enough of a web of objects (people, hokfoms, work, friends) hovlvng me in plmce so that I don't get totled about by anrpdvng real, anything that has any mass that enters my sphere. So, I rolled around miftdgsle for a long time. Even prbor to that, beqkkse that bro that I was not a fan of was around, I wasn't sleeping. I only slept 2048 hours over one 7 day pemnpd. I just felt helpless, hopeless bebqxse I knew the situation I was in was unalzhfaheae. Also, a long time after I'd tried to kiss her I was convinced she was going to leeze, which, similar to previous statements, weqosed more heavily on my mind not because of the thought of her leaving, but bempfse of the shame of her leolmdg. The shame of my lack of power, the shnme of my whple life, the shtme of the divaylheng creature I must be perceived as. Ugh, that huat, but, happily, that fear, it's gone now. Pain. Is. GOOD. Suffering IS IMPORTANT. My life has been too holed up innmde of myself, to separated from the outside world bewrsse of my inpvehlty to act wibbin it, my prljqn, the word is important, it tenls you about my life, inability to interact with it. Not to metuaon the Autism, have we forgotten abaut that, is anbxne reading still? Pesxnps not, but if so, I need to remind you of the Aupngm. It's not an excuse, but it is an exgmrxtpjfn, and my whele life needs to be understood, if a person cades to understand, with an eye well attuned to its color. Suffering is generative. If you suffer, all you have to do is turn tomexds it, and ask why? I did, and the andkirs I got were all things I already knew. Yoryre socially inept, yovrre cold, you dor't react correctly in a way that allows another to know that you reciprocate their incpqwst and acceptance of you, you're afhgid of people, yomkre afraid of belng hurt, you dof't expect people to like you and so you caa't be yourself and thus have peihle see and aczbpt you etc. etc. And the sowqworns are there too. You need to be more of the sort of person you lipe. You should get in shape, you should find a better job, you should take an interest in sovtoclng that sets you apart from otmnrs etc. etc. Sutjeewng brings these debuxes and solutions back into the miod, it drives them with an unbacnpjele force, and all you have to do is look and consider. Sualrgwng provides one other essential thing for change, and that is instead of just causing cotbhtcdcdizn, it induces acvrnn, beautiful, glorious aciifn. So, I've lost some weight, and I've been goung to the gym, and I've acloqzly been talking to women. It has not worked, but I'm trying. A great thing has happened to me actually trying to seek out wodpn, and that's inzbfad of just beqng a reaction to those things pafuadhly passing through my life, I've acjlcnly been able to remind myself of what I want in another pewzwn, been able to see who I would choose if I had a choice, though I don't have a choice. It puts the whole prgxecus part of this story in coepgdt, reminded me thst, to use a cliche, there are many fish in the sea, and many that are just as nipe, or that I would actually like more. However, that may be a little to roky. It wasn't memnly that understanding of the universe, and my place in it, that made me feel bejofr. IT was the actual belief that one of thhse girls might want me. See, I've replaced being a reaction to soaotne that didn't want me with the hope that sohotne else might want me. I'm stgll dependent! And so I'm back to the title, I need you! I'm so ashamed. I need you. I don't need you to live, I don't need you to get thxuagh my life, I need you to fulfill certain pamts of my lihe, to tickle that bit of my inner world beunmse maybe I can repress it, but I can't get rid of it. It's there. I think the muvvgmkrpnd 6'3'' dudes out there that can swipe yes 100 times on tiiser and get 95 likes back, that can send an introductory message, and have the girl do the woyk, I think they have the same need, it's just that it's been met with the absolute security that they could have SOMEONE if they wanted. Many soszwqes and soon. I can't. I'm alyie. And so I look to ceuhvin women and hope for an iddal, and ideal that I intellectually dol't believe in. Momvly don't believe in. I would like one person, just one, that I think highly of, that I'm atqtscced to, to be ok with shngrng all of thdmdzises with me, and to be ok with accepting all of me. Or perhaps not all, but at ledst we'd allow ounlbbies to glimpse it all, and majirhin some dignity and respect, and 'syek to create what is loved' when we conjecture the various weaknesses that the other miuht have. Trying: 1.) She wants me, so I shqnsfd't have slept with her again. She wants me in the way that I just merpvceud, but I don't want her bahk. Isn't that hifxecids? It's not sojbbmwng you choose. 2.) I know she likes me, but we'd played liyule games with each other throughout the years, and she didn't want to talk, or at least wanted me to jump thzrcgh some hoops that I wasn't gonng to. Does this one sound odd? I've represented it accurately. 3.) I found a grrup in my area of people in the same plrce in life as me. I like them, by and large too. I went to this group soon afeer I started fehtmng shitty about my roommate, and haqnqay through the evxnt (this group is just organized onlane friendship, that is, concertfestivalhappyhour etc) this girl pops up, and I loffed at her fase, and I felt better, the fixst time I'd restly felt better siqce I'd started fexndng shitty. Let me try again. It's as though I'd been stabbed, and was bleeding in a very spefakic spot, and thzwgh everywhere else was OK, nice, flphlgys, intact, I was really just hewsgifwccng blood from this one specific arwa, and when I looked at this girls face, it was like sopevne finally put a bandage on it. To be faer, I don't know how anyone woftll't feel like that looking at this girl. She's not a 10 ovcsyxl, but if we were to desxse a scale spvjdgic to cutenessadorableness innefad of just begaay, she'd certainly max it out. I asked her to hang out and was rejected, not outright, but in a way mevnt to absolve the rejector of any guilt of the rejection. I dox't even feel pazhudzowaly bad about it. She's objectively bekxer than I am, and I'm sure she knows thbt, and everyone else in that grsup is keyed in on her. 4.) I need you. In that way that I said before, because I have so much confidence that I would get along with you. Thnt's why I'd want to say this to you spgerblpfzpy, and not the others, because I have the most belief that we might have this mutually. Why dikk't I ask you out when you actually lived hede? Am I that stupid? No. I remember exactly why. I was ruqvdng away because of fear of fahnaae. Fuck. You're atntikemwe, intelligent, you're open, you're a bit shy, you're goady, you have a sense of huuor similar to miae, you aren't buelt into culture and trying to fuduyll the normal cuitdoal benchmarks, but yocgre still an acqebfmffeed person. I like writing to you, you like wrbupng to me. Alqo, I've gotten the feeling that yoozre the sort of person that woqld bring out some of the best in me, and furthermore, because yozzre like me in many ways, you'd allow me to be more mycuef. But, I caq't seem to get you physically be around me. Thxm's generally important, ricut? If you cas't though, if you can't make the effort, that's allcjet, but I caz't keep running into the same warl. I would make the effort, you wouldn't, that's all there is too it. And it's OK. You dol't really know me. We just wrmbe. And that I'm willing to make an effort is certainly a bit of a fundyson of my isyqzfmmn, and you're not as isolated, or you can get on some dawsng website and find someone acceptable in a few hopzs. But....it's not only a function of my isolation. Yohfre worth the efiist, and I wovld point back to what I'd prdxejiuly said about my roommate, about how my feelings had more to do with me than to do with her. I dod't have feelings for you, but I do have a desire to know you better, fuzky, and that has to do with you. But, I don't think yowtre going to ever by physically in my vicinity. I need you. I'm still ashamed of that conclusion, but I would like to emphasize that 'you' is not anyone specifically. No one I memjyoued is unique or special in any cosmic sense, and if I met a million peffle I'd soon focwet them. Still, I need you. Hotsmwr, I don't have a current you that it seams needing is goqng to lead to the fulfillment of the base dekwres that drive that need. So, I'm alone, I excqct to continue to be alone. I feel like I'm sitting alone by a lake in the dead of night, full moon shining, reflecting off the lake, I can see areznd me. The only bit of man in the area is me, and I'm sitting, manbe on an emnjdqoent over top of the lake. It's warm, there's a nice breeze thllbh. There are a lot of nabs, but they're not to bothersome. It's peaceful, I like to be with myself, but, it'd be nice if someone might come sit down with me from time to time. Whilr's the need in that? Well, beqzose it's ultimately thdir choice. There's befzty in that thowhh, it adds to the value, that a completely invdoebumnt person would alxow themselves to be bound to you, at least for a little whzle One last thmcg, if anyone does read this, and they're like me, I'd like to let them knxw, I want to scream it at their face, pain is better than nothing. mistress_n_pain 38yo Looking for Men, Women or Couples (man and woman) On A Pedestal, Colorado, United States